London contract workers have been shocked with the news that several inner city firms are looking to impose restraints on the amount of time that they spend in the toilet, with one firm installing swipe card access to limit the time spent in toilet cubicles.

Dave Fanning, designer of the controversial swipe card system, said that the card could save firms thousands of pounds over a period of time.

"The TAC (toilet access card) works on a simple timer mechanism whereby a contract worker is allocated a set amount of time each week for comfort stops. In most cases this will be 60 minutes, and once this time has been exceeded, the worker will be refused access to any cubicle until their TAC has been reset".

"If, as is often the case, a temporary worker falls asleep on the cubicle, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open upon expiry of their TAC timer. I can see the TAC becoming common place in most inner city firms within the next ten years!"

Some firms were even thought to be contemplating taking a stool sample of those employees leaving a cubicle after a designated time to ensure that they weren't just "sleeping on the job".



Justin Shuttleworth, spokesman for BUTT (Boys United for Toilet Time) says that the idea of having to give a stool sample if any toilet stop lasted more than 20 minutes was ludicrous.

"I've been down that road where sometimes you've had a spicy kebab the night before and a work comfort stop the following day may take longer than expected if hidden complications such as ring bark set in. The thought of then having to submit a stool sample to management is both highly impractical and unhygienic to say the least! I also believe that installing the TAC timer only in male toilets is also a direct contravention against our human rights!"

Raylene Keenas, Human Resources professional with a large finance house said that the installation would save her firm thousands in man-hours.

"Take some of the dodgy Antipodean Accountants that we've had for instance. These guys were earning up to £30 an hour and every Thursday and Friday morning without fail they could be seen heading in the direction of the toilet with plain brown files and wouldn't return for at least half an hour. I'd envisage that we were paying them at least £360 ($NZ1,000) a month to have a dump and read the paper (amongst other things!)".


WTC- Woodley Times Correspondent